For Today:

“She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.” -Proverbs 31:27

Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

A great little post today over on SoulSeeds blog about appreciating what you have - the good, the bad and the ugly.
I have more than enough. I have it all.
It's good to read others' blogs because it reminds me that I'm not alone in my struggling. This posts reminds me to be thankful for the bad and ugly times because although we dislike them they are intertwined in the good times which makes it all worthwhile.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Homeschooling Ideas 5/22/2012

Some ideas off of Pinterest that I'd like to give a go at with J. this year or next year. (even over the summer)

Jello sky with fluffy clouds in a mason jar
Constellation Key chain
Scripture Art - trees and seasons (water color)
Solar System Mobile (paper)
Reference Mini-book (Language Arts) - would probably be good with the Writing Notebook
Art lesson (blog with lots of ideas) water color architecture
History Detective Report (choose a topic and investigate it)

Monday, May 14, 2012

May 14, 2012

Back in the Saddle again


I guess I'm back to 'computing' aka internet surfing and writing. I haven't felt like doing anything for weeks. My physical body was beat up and then my emotional self had to heal as well. That's going to take a bit more time though.

The Doctor


Went to the doctor - follow up appointment - everything with the miscarriage is 'okay' - said I was healing really well - What? Maybe they need to go through a seminar on how to talk to women who have lost a child.

People

People keep telling me it was for the best - God's will - He/She wasn't meant to be - he/she is in a better place - Some even say, at least it wasn't stillborn or at least it happened early.

Do people really think this is going to comfort me?

Rejection

My body rejected my baby. A baby I was surprised to welcome. A baby I was unsure of - the timing - our unemployment - our living with parents.

For those of you who are unaware - my baby was alive - it just so happened to be attached in my right fallopian tube - this means that I had to agree to kill this baby - to "safe my life" because it (he/she) would die anyway.

Sure I was in utter pain, nausea, vomiting, cramps, and couldn't walk - so much pain that I begged God to kill me. Sometimes I get angry because he didn't. Why should I live and an innocent child die?

Now, because of the "procedure" - imagine that - that is what the doctor called it - I am unable to have children. Funny because before this I was totally fine with that - I didn't want them, I have 2 boys, I'm grateful for and wasn't planning on having any more. This one surprised me.

The funny thing is 

I feel lost. Undirected. Not sure where to go from here. Kind of like when I was 30 and wondered where my youth went? What is my place in this world? What do I want to do when I grow up? Do I want to grow up?

My 40th will be here next month - Another decade. I never wanted to live past 30 and here I am approaching my 40th birthday. Last month my husband and I celebrated 18 years of marriage - 19 years together. My babies are 16 (17 in June) and 11 (12 in November) - they'll be flying away soon - even now they need me less and less.

Identification

My identity has always been tied to something. Early on I was the 'good daughter' - the one who did what she was told - got good grades in school and took care of everything.

Later, my identity was centered around my supposed smarts - my degrees, my certificates, - I wore them as my badge of honor - to prove my worth.

Once I got married and had children (quite early in life 20's) I identified with motherhood and being a "good wife" - whatever that means. I was also conflicted during this time as I wanted to have it all - career and motherhood - perfection - again - whatever that means.

In my 30's - which is coming to a close I identified with my illness - my diagnosis - as well as my 'crochet' craft. I was the 'sick' mom who had frequent bouts with depression and mood swings. The patient - sometimes good and sometimes bad. This decade saw my creative passions come to life in all sorts of ways.

My first Loss

Just as in my 3rd decade I'm entering my fourth with a loss. December 25, 1998 I had my first miscarriage. I identified this child as a girl - I lost it while soaking in a tub. No pain, No cramping, No nausea, Nothing, just a tub filled with warm water, red, tissue, surprise, a knowing of what was going on but not really wanting to accept it. Didn't even go to the ER until later that night.

I blamed the doctors - the stupid tests they had me take so early in the pregnancy. It was the following day I miscarried.

I blamed myself - my stupid obsession with weight - binging and then vomiting - wanting to be a 'thin mother' so went on a water fast for days. Ate out and vomited. Miscarried 2 weeks later.

I blamed God - he's in control right? Why not just end my life too?

Happy Birthday


Tears are my friend. The sadness is so thick and I'm not even sure it's solely based on the loss of the pregnancy. It might just be an awareness of the loss of my life - the last twenty years of non-living but just existing - waiting for the day of my death.

Back to Business

What does this mean to me? I released an ebook in March, set up 3 websites and such plans. All for naught. What does it matter now? Yes, we still need money, but I don't even care about that anymore. I want to let my husband take care of it all. I want to hide.

My husband is lovely in that he doesn't mind. He is quite satisfied with my just being here for the boys - even as they age. If I need to work he's fine with that too. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if he just ordered me one direction instead of being so gracious toward me. Understanding. Loving. The man God gave me - to good for someone as ugly as I.

The Husband

What does he feel? Obviously sadness, same as last time. We don't talk about 'it'. I know we should but with everything else going on, jobless and homeless (we have a home, my parents, in essence we are loafing off of them - makes me guilty, bitter, sad, depressed, worthless) when does he find the time to grieve - worrying about his wife and hoping she doesn't fall into a deep depression or worse, a manic episode and leave without a word. The wait. The worry. The call. Is she alive? Is she hurt?


Sunday, May 13, 2012

May 13, 2012

Life.
Death.
Grief.
Hope.
Work.

Each day that passes by I miss you more and more.

The tears never cease.

Heart knots up.

Can't breath.

Confusion.

Where do I go from here?

How do I go from here?

Lost.

What matters?

We do not know the length of our days - how can we plan for our future?

It's been nearly a month now - am I suppose to pack up my grief and live as though you never existed?

The world goes on like a merry go round - no one knows that you existed - some don't even consider that you existed but I - I knew. I acknowledge your existence.

My body rejected you. Cruel isn't it? I didn't even know I wanted you until you were violently ejected from me. 

Blame is useless. What does it solve?

Tears. Salty fountains of what could have been.

I must appease my grief with the fact that your soul wasn't meant to live in this world. You immediately appeared before your creator - conflicted - happiness that you didn't have to feel the pain of this world and sad that I didn't get to hold you, smell you.

Love - only after the fact - shocked.

Numb.

Grace. Pure Grace. I must believe.


1 John 4: 7-8 NKJV

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."

John 13: 34 NKJV

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another."

Disclosure: 2011-2012

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